A Bit of a Wreck

Good Evening -

I know - more days of no blogging. I blogged every day in November and I think that's part of what is causing this December hiccuping. I love variety, struggle with routine, and needed to make sure I wasn't getting into a blogging rut. I want to do this because I want to do this and choose to do this, not because it's just what I do without thinking about the why of it. Ritual - yes. Blind following of dogma - no.

That sounds all well and good, but if I was my own therapist, I might be returning that bold declaration about anti-dogmatism with silence and a therapeutically appropriate raised eyebrow because, yes, well, there is also the part about me being a bit of a wreck right now. Yeah, that too. That's also impacting my motivation for much of most things.

It's the holidays and it's the holidays here in Colorado, where that collection of people I could most easily swap organs with live (biological family - yes) that is causing my general wreckedness. Since the Great Family Rift of 2004, the holidays have been a bit clouded with some sadness, but being back here in geographic proximity adds a particular pinch to the sadness.

I'm a little frustrated with myself that I had, apparently, convinced myself these last four years that the strain and lack of communication with my family was primarily because I lived 900 miles away. I'm a little grumpy with myself that I swallowed that panacea so readily - really, we would be more actively working on making our relationship one in which all parties feel good if we were closer. It's just hard to do with email and such.

No, no. The tension in our relationship has nothing to do with miles on the map and everything to do with the reality of our shared histories. Two months into being mere minutes from most of them without any change in the complete lack of communication have clarified that big fantasy in my head. Yep.

I was restless with this last night, but then woke up this morning with the awareness that it just hurts. That's all. It's not a minimizing of the pain, it's just keeping it in perspective. For however core-shattered and devastating this rift feels, the reality is just that it hurts. It hurts to be this close and yet, so, so far from people who, not only share organ availability, but history and some really, really strong love.

Feeling pretty confident in this newly bounded awareness of how it just hurts, I set out on errands this afternoon with my partner. Before we even got past City Park, though, I was wiping endless tears off of my cheeks and requesting a change in CD.

It was that damned Ingrid Michaelson song on my partner's holiday CD. She's so good at expressing sad and the sad, sad song she was singing with Sara Bareilles about missing her love at Christmas, complete with an "is love alive?" chorus had all my resolve around "It just hurts and knowing that it just hurts means that I won't be a wreck and can get about my day with a modicum of normalcy" thrown all to hell. I don't know, Ingrid - is it? Is love alive? (insert dramatic crying here).

The day settled from there and we were able to get some good errands done and have Thai for lunch, which sets one well down the path of making it all better for at least as long as the pad thai is on the plate.

And so we have our two Virgens from the last two nights. The one above is from Thursday and was when I was in a "Screw them. I'm going to focus on what sort of home I want and they can all go to hell as far as I'm concerned. That and I certainly won't share any of my freshly canned produce from my garden with them. Bastards" mood.

The one below is from Friday night when I was a little more honest with myself about how, while it's important and healthy to focus on my future, it would be foolish to pretend to ignore the past and present ouch - thus the dark, dark house image, in direct contrast to the fantastic country home image from Thursday night.

So, yes, actually, it is a process.

We'll see what tonight brings. For as fresh as this new round of "Hey! That hurts!" is, it's been a long enough dance with family that I've got a good base around it and tend to get bored with myself if I spend too much time on it. Yes, absolutely it hurts and this too shall pass and I'll move through it and so it is and so it will be.

Here's to that. Here's to moving through. Here's to having a good base. Here's to spontaneous cathartic cries and here's to pad thai with someone you love.