Bridges that Bring Us Home

Good Morning -

I've been staring at this screen for a good bit this morning. My mind is fuzzy and doesn't seem to want to coalesce into something clear and substantial.

We could do some good, old fashioned stream of consciousness, but I don't think that would serve anyone well.

Let's talk about the Virgen, since that's why we've gathered here this morning. The background image is someplace green and mountainous with a small waterfall tumbling through the forest. I got it off of an in-flight magazine cover and think it's lovely - cool, green, a little water, mountains, etc.

Over the image is a bridge made out of the "hmmm....no thanks" letter I got yesterday. Remember how I said in yesterday's post that I would do my own guessing and assume that the letter I was going to receive would decline my services? Well, I guessed right, which doesn't feel as fun as when you guess right at a carnival game and win the jar of jelly beans or the gigantic stuffed animal.

I wasn't sure exactly what I was going to do with the letter when I got it, but knew I wanted to incorporate it into the Virgen. I thought I might cut it really small and make it like snow. I thought I might just burn it. I thought I might make bars like a jail cell. I thought and thought and then decided on a bridge.

All of these "no thanks" letters that I seem to be collecting lately are bridges that get me closer to the career for which I am intended. These experiences are connected and, as long as they are centered in heart, they will lead where I'm headed.

I had an awareness yesterday that I need to do some more thinking on. I was thinking about heart and career path and my wending and seasoned experience when I remember the conversation I had had with a good friend a couple of years ago that had propelled me into full-fledged lesbianism.

Prior to this conversation, I talked about how the gender of the person didn't matter to me because it was about who he or she was. Socially, this would have made me bi-sexual, but I never used that term. As an adult, I had had some sorting to do about myself as a sexual being and hadn't needed to complicate that process with social labels.

At the time of this conversation, I had just started to really connect with my partner. I was telling my friend about this because there were some complications to our connecting and she (the friend) said that, regardless, maybe it was time that I picked a team.

She said that it might be worth me spending some time thinking to make sure that I wasn't keeping all relationship options open so that I could make sure that I'd find someone, anyone to love and be loved by. She suggested I imagine what it would be like if I was only ever in relationships with men, and if I was only ever in relationships with women and base my decision on that. She suggested that I spend some self-reflection time to see if it felt true that I was keeping all my options open to make sure that I found someone, anyone.

I did this thinking and in no time felt clear inside that the women's division was the one for me. It did feel true that I had been keeping my options open out of an attempt to up my chances for love (which was frustrating because I had spent many years and co-pay dollars sorting some experiences out and coming to love myself, so to think that I still had this dangley thread made me sad).

I realized that I had been open to either gender because it upped my chances. So, instead of focusing all my energy where I really wanted it to be, I was parcelling some out where I didn't want it to be under the assumption that something was better than nothing. I was afraid that to commit to a gender would mean that I might not ever find the person I wanted and be alone (this, after years of successful and happy years alone - some roots run deep).

This self-reflection time came back to me yesterday as I was sorting through the ideas about my career path. I wondered if I had the same fear of commitment to a career that I did to a partner gender. Am I worried that if I settle into a career I'll get stuck there and it won't really be what I want? Or does this unconventional career path express best who I am and to try to conventionalize it is to ignore who I am at my core? Am I distracting my energy away from the career I really want by scattershoting my skills across the map with the hope that someone will see their merit?

These are my questions right now. I'll let you know how it goes.

Here's to questions. Here's to answers. Here's to bridges that bring us home.