Traveling with Heart

Good Morning -

"For me there is only traveling on paths that have heart...and there I travel, looking, looking, breathlessly." - Carlos Castaneda

This quote and image come from the card my partner gave me for my birthday. She suggested when she gave it to me that it could be used later for a Virgen. I agreed, and knew that the right time would eventually reveal itself.

That time was last night.

I got home last night so tired of being sweaty and stinky. I got a ride to work yesterday from my partner, and drove the car home, so the only time I was moving about in the heat was the 10 minutes it took to walk from the parking garage back to my building when I took the car for errands at lunch.

Still this was noon, so it was hot, and it had rained, so it was humid, and I sweat enough that my bra got wet, which means that I spent the rest of the day worried about stinking as I met with clients in my windowless office (I keep in my office and use liberally multiple sticks of deodorant, but once your bra gets wet, no amount of any deodorant does a damn thing).

Actually - here's a lesson in being specific - my last job had a truly windowless office, which made me sad and had me vowing that I'd always have a room with a view.

This job has an entire wall of windows for my office that separate me from the staff balcony on the other side. None of these windows open, though, so not only do I feel like a fish in a bowl when there are staff eating lunch on the balcony and I'm in my office, but I don't have the option to open any of them and air out my office - which is what I would like to do when I'm sweaty and stinky.

So - it's more than just having windows - it's having windows that open. Fresh air is vital.

Anyway, back to tired of being sweaty. To that end, I took some time when I got home last night to follow up via email on some opportunities that I had taken action on in a place that is cooler and won't have me sweating through my bra multiple times in a day.

By the time I was done, my partner was home and it was time for dinner and some TV. We both acknowledge that our evening habits are a sure sign of our dissatisfaction with our current living conditions. Neither of us normally watch a lot of TV, but our home isn't enjoyable right now and we're both so done in our heads and hearts but not done in our reality, which makes for some inner tension and some inclinations to just check out for the night.

Sometimes you just have to let yourself go a little.

We watched bad reality TV, had a cry watching the DNC, and then got ready for bed around 10.

Before bed, I checked my email and got a response from one of my follow-up emails. In my message, I had asked for an update on process, and in the response was told that I'd get a letter today and, after that, the author "guessed" he could talk details with me.

He "guessed"? Why is he guessing? What room is there in this process for speculation? Does he guess because he is unsure of the process and policy and so "guesses" that he could discuss it? Does he guess because he doesn't really want to talk details with me but he "guesses" he will if it comes to that? How does the word "guess" find itself in a professional process?

At the root, my partner and I both suspect, is a "no thank you." Our shared sense is that the letter I will receive today will thank me but not thank me.

This is where the traveling paths of heart comes in. I have been trying to do that since I finished grad school. I went to social worker school because that was what I wanted to do - I was clear in my intention - and thought that that clarity would lead to work certainty upon graduation.

Prior to social worker school, I had let myself wend and wander along a career path with no real intention about what exactly I wanted to be doing. I gained valuable experiences at each stop along the way and each stop is connected to the others, but it makes for an interesting resume and goes a long way in matching the phrase for my birthday "seasoned experience" (a la The Secret Language of Birthdays ).

Once I went to social worker school, though, I thought that I had a more direct route, that I was now honed into a field, a profession, and my path would be straighter. I seemed to think that this need for diverse experiences was a phase that could be eliminated with more education.

There were times when I was single for a long stretch that I sometimes wished I was the type who could do a one-night stand. I'm not the type and to wish on something that goes against who I am at my heart is a big waste of a wish.

Likewise, during times when I'm work seeking, to wish that I was the type who could just pick a profession and stick with it until I'm 67 and (re)tired goes against who I am at my heart and is a big waste of time. It would make for much easier searches and attempts, but it's not who I am and fighting it is futile.

My heart keeps getting in the way of just picking a profession and sticking with it. I can't bring myself to take just any MSW j-o-b and find myself trying to match my diverse and seasoned experiences into a variety of positions. I can't bring myself to just throw myself into the case manager stream where I can emerge in 30 years tired and grumpy and with some sort of manager title.

That means that each search attempt involves a bit of a stretch, a bit of taking my skills, talents, and passions and demonstrating how they'll actually fit well in such and such position. This is tricky works and more often than not means that the answer is, "hmmm...no."

It's not easy this path of heart. First you have to be clear about what is in your heart and then you have to be dedicated to whatever that is so that you don't get discouraged as you move through the world trying to find a good place for that stuff in your heart to be shared (I'm thinking of Clarrisa Pinkola Estes' retelling of the Ugly Duckling...).

Today I'm preemptively discouraged. I don't know what the letter will say, but I will do my own guessing and bet that it isn't an invitation to continue with the process.

Fine.

Right now it's time for work. And work it is.

Here's to change. Here's to heart. Here's to following your heart and finding a good home for it.